Here's A Fuckin' Koan For You (Look it up, Whitey McFredatron)

HOW DID SARAH VOWELL GET TO BE SO FUCKING UGLY, and who the fuck said it was okay to make her? I mean really--not only does she repulse me to the point of bulimia, but the uninviting (to employ profound euphemism) nature of her face--which currently takes up HALF of the motherfucking NYTimes screen--has made it really difficult for me to keep up with current events. Like that totally heartwarming story about how dungeons and dragons has finally made it to the internet, allowing thousands more isolated teens with aspirations of trenchcoat mafiadom to contemplate school shootings and cult suicides all the more seriously. But hey all you stovetop freedom riders, you should totally give Sarah 'oops I crapped my face' Vowell a holler when you're in NYC--she's bound to get FReAk NAsTy when she parties; just be sure to set her up with some super open-minded (read: drunk on the verge of dying) pratt kid, and also to not call me.

Stovetop Records Freedom Spring Tour

for dates and treats, try home.

mohammad's life on the d-list, or how all them UWS bolsheviks learned to stop worrying and love the bun.

Speaking of the former Kalmar union's member nations, Denmark faces yet another round of knuckle rapping from all them uppity jihadists. It’s true: Iran, with the assistance of the Iranian Confectioner’s Union, has forced its bakeries to rename their Danish pastries "Roses of the Prophet Muhammad."

The collective freak-out of the Muslim world has been particularly half-baked [R.I.P. Christopher Lee Rios a.k.a. rapper Big Pun], for as a comedic hero, the Mo-man just ain't that funny. It’s like dude, get a fuckin haircut—the world isn't ready for another Gallagher. A brief perusal of the cartoons themselves reveals that Mohammad, like Andy Dick or Kathy Griffith, will never really amount to much, making him an ideal candidate for the Bravo network’s new line of D-list celebrity hosted shows. (‘D’ for ‘Die, you fuck.') One might even go so far as to label Mohammad, and pardon my use of some retro-Variety lingo here, a 'stinker' or a ‘chump’--especially for what he’s done to pop-culture in the past few years. (CYHSY: I’m talking to you.)

Nevertheless, professors of media ethics everywhere have tabled their Zionism for the time being to offer thanks: from the Ikea dinner tables of UWS/Park Slope rent-controlled apartments everywhere, the Bolsheviks teaching our NYU counterparts are raising their glasses of Yellowtail to shout L’Chai’m! For just as punk rock died when the first kid said that it wasn't dead, so, too, did the salaciousness of that blue-stocking’d Judy Miller Story fade when even the self-proclaimed 'missile dick chicks'got in on the fun of ridiculing her. Not to digress (I could hate on Rutgers communications majors all day), the jihadists have started fighting their wars with Bushian tactics, shooting their metaphorical attorney-friends in the face with mini-fatwa pellets, and all i gots to say is, sign me the fuck up: now that we've found comedy in the Muslim world, we can finally get Ted Kaczynski to do a number on Albert Brooks.

And in conclusion, I got news for ya: the dude on the cover of Deep Cuts totally looks like Harry M. Whittington after a botched partial face transplant conducted by some boozed-up surgeons. Cause that's how all a thems likes to roll.

The Knife has been 'Forked

Maybe you heard "Heartbeats" while eying chinos at the Gap some years ago. Sam says he did. Either way, a band many of us thought was a dirty little dance secret in July just got an 8.6 and Best New Music nod from the snarky, wordy arbiters of hip music, Pitchfork. Mark Pytlik's last review sentence reads: "An early contender for best record of the quarter, here's hoping Silent Shout inspires similar imagination and pushing outwards; after all, no matter how heady and interior electronic music allows itself to become, it could never get as scary as the world outside."
Damn, Pytlik is truth. But seriously, with Jose Gonzalez scoring with Sony for a new ad featuring his cover of "Heartbeats", can a slot next to the Arcade Fire at Coachella, or even better, Bonnaroo (maybe even Perry's pet Lollapalooza) be that far off? Here's hoping against it. I have nothing against this new record, of which I've only heard one track ("Neverland"), but wish more people would listen to their eponymous LP, featuring such sweet tunes as "Reindeer" and "N.Y. Hotel." That record is more satisfying than Deep Cuts, which thins after the opening hit and "You Take My Breath Away."

Wyclef Live!

"If Osama bin Laden had smoked a joint, there wouldn't be no 9/11."

Dick Goes Ballistic

Yes, in fact, Vice President Cheney did shoot a fellow senior on a hunting trip. His victim was a grey attorney named Harry Whittington, who is in stable condition, reports CNN, which splashed the story as their web lead. The NY Times has snowstorms to worry about, so they weren't running this wonderful image with an indelible impression of the canniving Veep setting his sights on his once-but-no-more (I hope) hunting buddy. I can't help but note the revelations in this story, that is, that Dick's got terrible aim and an itchy trigger finger.

Perhaps better, though, are the quotes from Katherine Armstrong, the hag at whose ranch Dick and co. were quail hunting. From the AP:

"Whittington ''came up from behind the vice president and the other hunter and didn't signal them or indicate to them or announce himself,'' Armstrong told the Associated Press in an interview. ''The vice president didn't see him,'' she continued. ''The covey flushed and the vice president picked out a bird and was following it and shot. And by god, Harry was in the line of fire and got peppered pretty good.'' She said Whittington was bleeding but not very seriously injured, and Cheney was very apologetic. ''It broke the skin,'' she said. ''It knocked him silly. But he was fine. He was talking. His eyes were open. It didn't get in his eyes or anything like that.''
''This is something that happens from time to time. You now, I've been peppered pretty well myself,'' said Armstrong.

Itching to get busy

The fiddlings with my MySpace page moments ago were fruitful. There is some version of a bio now, some songs still processing, and now the substantial urge to rerecord the two songs (or at least Notes on a Bar) currently featured on the site. what site? why, Grain Riot's MySpace. Pansy Snowflake will be my friend, I hope.

In related news, the much-hyped Wyclef/Blackalicious show is tomorrow night, TOMORROW NIGHT! maybe the "dorm kid" will live up to his name and rock out in my room and piss off my neighbors, like we did last night as Sam strum-strummed the Pansy tune "Go Back to New Haven." An unedited, blunt review of the Wyclef show - unlike the likely follow-up article to be printed in the Misc next week - will appear on this here Seat shortly thereafter.

Also, time for the offical announcement of two new butts on the Standard Toilet: Mary's and Winston's! David and Sam, let's treat them kindly and hope for some crackpot culture rants soon!

Another interview!

Though it's not quite exciting as Ferd's Wyclef interview -- I mean, it's actually a little boring -- here's my interview Blackalicious' Gift of Gab. This interview only confirms my distaste for the limp, unchallenging genre that is backpacker hip-hop. Bring it back, y'all. Everything's better 20 years ago! But that's okay. We're all good. Everything's good. All love.

The Miscellany News: First of all, what should I call you? Mr. Gab?

The Gift of Gab: Just Gab. Gab is fine.

MN All right, cool. So what do you know about Vassar? Have you ever heard of it before?

G No, I haven’t.

MN What are college crowds usually like? Do you like them more than others?

G Wait, say that again. Vassar?

MN V-A-S—

G Oh, yeah! That’s in New York, right?

MN Yeah, it’s in Poughkeepsie.

G Oh, that’s where we’re going. You know, I do so many different interviews every day, I— I know we’re doing a show on the 11th. I’ve never been to that area before. I mean, I love New York [City]—I love New York—I’ve been there plenty of times, but never to that area of New York. I’m looking forward to checking it out.

MN So I hear you play lots of college shows.

G Yeah, definitely. That’s a big part of Blackalicious. We definitely get a lot of support from college kids.

MN Do you prefer college kids to other hip-hop fans?

G You know, it’s all about music. It’s not a matter of liking somebody more than somebody else. When people show us love, we show them love back.

MN What’s the audience at a Blackalicious college show like?

G They’re definitely high energy, very high-octane. Lot of adrenaline. Probably more so than a regular crowd, for some reason.

MN Do you have any crazy stories from those shows?

G Oh, man. You get drunk girls who jump up on stage and dance, you know? All of the crazy stories involve drinking, obviously.

MN Do you go to the parties after the shows?

G Occasionally we go and hang out. But the older we get, the less we do that. When we were younger, it was more about that, the partying. But now, I have to think of my job as my job, and treat it as so.

MN Is press still important to you? Do you read music magazines or websites?

G Oh, definitely. Press is our outlet for making people aware that our record is out, or that we’re coming to their city. Press is definitely needed.

MN Are there any in particular that you read?

G All of them, man. I love all of them.

MN Let’s talk some music. Who are you listening to these days?

G Right now, I’m listening to a lot of old stuff. Lot of Stevie Wonder. I like the Kanye West record, the Common record, the new Fugees single. John Legend. But it varies. I’m really interested in world music now, like music from Brazil or India. I’m trying to experience other kinds of music so I can expand my songwriting abilities.

MN So is that stuff going to be reflected in your next record?

G Well, I’m just a student now. Eventually, it’s going to come out. I’m the type of writer that—even if I’m reading a book, it’s going to come out in my writing.

MN I want to ask you more about your contemporaries. Is there anyone whose music you really hate? Like the Black Eyed Peas?

G I don’t hate anybody. Everybody has their right to do their own thing. Music is like religion. Once you start saying you hate something because it may not be what you do, and act like you’re the person who dictates what’s good, then … it’s like religion. Everyone can do their own thing. Saying “this is how you’re supposed to be” is not how you should listen to music.

MN Would you ever do a Chopped & Screwed record?

G It depends on the beats we have.

MN What’s your pre-show routine? Do you have any crazy demands on your rider, like Jennifer Lopez’s all white room?

G No, nothing too extravagant. I just like to zone out and get in my own space before a show. Just tap into my role, and get into my world.

MN What about in the studio?

G That’s our second home. We live there, so that’s home base right there.

MN Is there anything else you want to say to the Vassar community?

G Just keep it simple. You’re going to see a really good show.

Wyclef Jean Interview

I interviewed Wyclef Jean for the Miscellany News on Friday. He's playing at Vassar on Saturday with Blackalicious, and the Poughkeepsie High School step team. Sam and I came up with questions, and then last Friday, he, Mead and I sprinted back to my room from breakfast to call Clef, finally. Here's the text of it, to be printed in the Misc on Thursday, Feb. 11. Typos likely. I hope this isn't illegal or anything:

The Miscellany News: Clef, I understand you’re going down to Haiti soon. Can you tell us about your charity, Yelé Haiti?

Wyclef Jean: I’m just getting back from chillin’ with Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt down there. I opened this foundation two years ago and the idea is that through music and through my celebrity, I use that to raise money for Haiti because 80% of the population can’t read, can’t write. It’s a high poverty situation. So I opened this organization to show people [that with] three or five dollars, that can feed a family. You know what I’m saying? Or six dollars.

MN: Is this charity organization a recent development?

WJ: I mean I’ve always been doing it. Through the years we had Clef Kids. I’ve had a whole lot of organizations. Charity is just part what we do, you know?

MN: Moving on to Vassar, I know you played here a few years ago. What do you remember about that show?

WJ: It was crazy.

MN: Crazy? How so?

WJ: Just the people. The people are as crazy as me when it comes to a live performance.

MN: Did you stick around and go to any parties by any chance?

WJ: Yeah, I dipped around. I was chillin’. You know, everyone knows me, man. They call me the college dorm kid, you know? I got kicked out of the third year. So the best way to make it up is to rock out when I play.

MN: What do you remember about college before you got kicked out?

WJ: I remember having to really chip up and save up just to eat the right meal on the weekend. And the right meal would be Dominoes pizza and beer. I remember teachers and stuff, having to wake up to just like fight myself so I could make the class.

MN: What sorts of things were you studying then?

WJ: I was studying music theory.

MN: I know everyone asks you these days about the Fugees. What’s the story? Is there more new material on the way?

WJ: Yeah we got a joint on the underground called “Take It Easy,” and we’re in the studio recording an album scheduled to come out in the fall.

MN: Is there a name for that record now?

WJ: No, the name for it right now is called Work in Progress.

MN: What’s it going to sound like?

WJ: Being that we all traveled all around the world, we got a chance to listen to a whole lot of music, plus the music in the States – I think the album is going to have a very global hip-hop feel to it.

MN: I know that you’ve played a lot of college shows, but obviously you’re still Wyclef, the big hip-hop artist. Do you think you’re playing to certain crowds, or lots of different crowds? I remember Howard Dean said you were his favorite artist. Do you think you have a very broad appeal?

WJ: In my mind, I always keep it very simple. I could play your college and the next day you turn on your television and you see me, you know what mean? Or, I’m doing this, I’m doing that. You know, in my world, where I’m at, they consider me a superstar icon. But I’m just a simple kid that left Haiti, moved to Brooklyn and New Jersey. You give me a guitar and a few drinks, and I’ll have a nice time, you what I’m sayin’?

MN: I saw you play at Columbia a couple years ago and you climbed the scaffolding on the stage.

WJ: Oh, I had just came out of the hospital!

MN: Yeah that was pretty ridiculous.

WJ: I still had the IV tube shit in me, man.

MN: How did you get through that? Were you in pain at all?

WJ: Yeah I was in pain. I had food poisoning. And I was dying in the fuckin’ hospital. But I was like, “Yo, I got this fuckin’ show at Columbia. I’m not gonna miss the show.” And against the doctor’s wishes, I got myself out of the IV, and snuck out the hospital, and my bro picked me up, and went down there. The fuckin’ hospital tag-band was still on me. I was like a fuckin’ psycho patient.

MN: Are you going to do similarly crazy things when you play here next week? I mean, you’re not breaking out of the hospital, but…

WJ: I mean, people call it crazy, you know, but I don’t really call it crazy, climbing things. Some people got mountain climbing; I climb stages, you know?

MN: Is the press important to you these days, either attention they give you or certain magazines you read for music news? Are you an avid reader of certain music websites or anything?

WJ: I mostly read books. Like, a lot of people be like “Wy, you don’t read your press?” I say, “I’m going to read it when I turn like 65,” you know? But I just have so much work I have to do right now, I don’t want to get caught up in the hype of the press.

MN: What sort of music are you listening to these days?

WJ: Lately I’ve been into a lot of old stuff. Into a lot of Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, some of Duke Ellington, Miles Davis. Recent stuff, probably listening to, like, G-Unit. I like Dipset.

MN: Do you hope that you’ll be on the cover of Rolling Stone again?

WJ: I mean I don’t really think about that, you know, but it’s just going to happen. Like I have different phases: the Fugees is a superstar band. Ain’t no way the Fugees are going to come out and it’s not going to be on the cover of every magazine. But I’m not thinking about that. “Yo, let me get on the cover…” You know what I mean? It just is.

MN: I hear you. It would be awesome if you wanted to kick it with us after the show. A bunch of us here all play music – drinking beers, playing guitars, rocking out, that’s what we’re pretty much about here on the weekends.

WJ: You all know Michael Hedges?

MN: Yeah a little bit.

WJ: He’s a crazy guitar player. He does a certain style of tuning which is dope.

MN: So you’re in the studio now. Are you recording for this Fugees album?

WJ: Yeah, we in Fugee mode right now.

MN: Is that Fugee mode in New York City?

WJ: Yeah, Fugee mode between New York and California.

MN: Are you guys all in the studio together right now?

WJ: They’ll be coming here later. It’s still early.

MN: And then you’re going to Haiti again?

WJ: Yeah, I’m going down to Haiti on Monday.

MN: So basically the life of Wyclef these days is hanging out in the studio with Lauryn Hill and Pras and then going down to Haiti. Is that an accurate impression? Are you busy all the time? Any downtime?

WJ: No we always busy. We got the Fugees stuff, then I got the label, Clef Records. Haiti just plays a part of everything because that’s where the charity is at.

MN: Cool. I know a lot of people here who are excited to see you and Blackalicious, and also to see the Poughkeepsie High School step team, the best in the nation, who will be performing at your concert, too.

WJ: All right, well that’s hot. I’m gonna see you all there then, man.

MN: Yeah, we’ll see you there. Hopefully, we can maybe even play some guitars afterwards if you want to see some dorm life.

WJ: All right. That’s what’s up, man.